Alpha Knight Forums
Alpha Knights Duel Academy is an online community with the sole purpose of allowing you to participate in countless events, and improve all areas of your gaming skills. Not to mentions we have a fun and welcoming community!

Stone Wall (Short-Story)

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Stone Wall (Short-Story)

Post by Firebreath on Fri Feb 19, 2016 2:21 am

This is a small story that I wrote for my Creative Writing class, I really like it because I put honest to god work into it, and i think it turned out pretty good. Not the best, but a good start, i'd like to start posting more Creative Writing stories for fun.


Stone Wall

A stone wall sits at the bottom of a hill, atop the hill lay train tracks that lead towards the Crestwood train station. This wall wasn’t big, only made out of 5 or 6 concrete bricks, the rest gone or broken in half, the middle brick having a small piece broken out of it. This was created by me and 2 of my best friends.

See that day was especially rough for me, like any bad day I was having trouble expressing my feelings the usual way. Everyone has a bad day, and everyone has their own way of expressing their emotions. For me most of the time the usual things phase me, but that day was just plain bad.

Most of my days aren’t as bad though, i’m usually a happy go lucky guy, the school day doesn’t really bother me, I learn, then I get invited by one of my friends to do something. At the time I had an interest in acting, it was something I wanted to do, see how good I was at It. My Theatre Arts teacher said I gave good emotion, wasn’t enough for me to put my time into it though.

So when one of them asked if I could help be an extra in his film, and possibly have a part, it sparked a “yes” out of me.

The film was about an old miner looking for gold, it was based on the gold rush. At the time this teacher gave them a project based on american history, and they were given the freedom to present it in their own creative way.

As we weren’t miners ourselves we didn’t have any pickaxes, so we decided to take some sledgehammers as a substitute. It was something that we had to deal with, we weren’t going to buy a pickaxe. We were poor. The area we chose to film at had a lot of gravel on the ground, the perfect environment we thought, at the time at least.

After filming was when I had a great idea. Looking at my friends with wild eyes, I suggested slamming one of the sledge hammers against the stone wall. At first the two didn’t think it was a good idea, they thought I was crazy, and were scared of the po-po, but I wasn’t scared, I was in the moment. Picking it up, I took a swing at it. It was exhilarating, which in turn fired up the other two. Each of them smashed the wall once, and that was it, they were packed up and ready to go, they were back to their normals selves (Unfortunately). This was when I started to get a little “itch” in the back of my head, something I usually get when I think something is wrong, or when something doesn’t quite add up. It’s a gut thing. Which at the time gave me a reason to stop what I was doing and grab the sledgehammer. One of the two whipped their phone out, knowing exactly what was going to happen, and with all of my strength I smashed the sledgehammer against the stone wall, Twice. At this point the wall had finally chipped.

And all of the stress had disappeared, I was at peace again. I ended my day not thinking twice about what I did, like it was a regular Tuesday.

That’s something I’ve noticed, my life is constantly like that story, or a form of it. I spend the first half of my day in school, having fun, enjoying myself, and once school ends I choose whether I want to spend the other half with my friends or alone. Which either way is an adventure itself, the two just have different options, but each equally satisfying.




avatar
Firebreath
Member

Posts : 338
Join date : 2015-08-05

Back to top Go down

Re: Stone Wall (Short-Story)

Post by Asgore Dreemurr on Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:48 pm

I'm just gonna review your writing skills and assess your weak points and where to improve:

    First off, your syntax and sentence flow is all over the place. There were a lot of run on sentences that could have been split into two, but you used a comma instead. Re-read some of your sentences out loud and see if they sound better as one or two sentences.

    Semicolons: If you insist on keeping them as one sentence without interrupting its flow -- use a semicolon ( ; ).

    Dashes: These are useful for interrupting the flow of a sentence and adding dramatic effect. Like this:

    That’s something I’ve noticed; my life is constantly like that story -- or a form of it.

    Doesn't that look much more professional? It also feels "nicer" when you say it out loud. It smoothly rolls off the tongue and doesn't feel awkward.

    Next:

    Your plot; it's good, but it needs work. I know the point of view is a first person narrative of past events, and you want to make it feel poetic. There's one glaring problem though -- you don't express nor explain the narrator's emotions and motives to their fullest extent. You also didn't explain why other people were having a bad day, and what his bad day was like. Ask yourself these questions;

    Why is the narrator feeling this way?

    What is causing it?

    Why the sudden need to vent his frustration and bottled up emotions with a sledgehammer to the wall, knowing well the consequences?

    What can I do to improve the justification for the actions of the narrator and his motives?

    How can I make it more relatable?

    How can I make it seem more realistic and organic?

    These are the kinds of questions good writers ask themselves. I know you have a lot of potential to be a great author and I have faith in you, but first you need to improve on those weak points. I won't tell you everything that's wrong, because then you wouldn't really grow. It'll be like giving the answers to a test -- you don't learn anything.

    I really hoped I helped you out even a little here, bro. Good luck on your creative writing classes!


Last edited by Asgore Dreemurr on Sat Feb 20, 2016 2:01 am; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : Fixed grammar.)
avatar
Asgore Dreemurr
King of the Underground

Posts : 748
Join date : 2016-01-10

Back to top Go down

Re: Stone Wall (Short-Story)

Post by Firebreath on Sat Feb 20, 2016 1:24 am

This helps a lot actually, but one of the problems about this, is that i couldn't really go more than a page, this alone is pushing a page into another one. XD maybe one of the problems could be found in that, but yea this helps, i need a lot or work on writing, not story writing, but actually writing.
avatar
Firebreath
Member

Posts : 338
Join date : 2015-08-05

Back to top Go down

Re: Stone Wall (Short-Story)

Post by Asgore Dreemurr on Sat Feb 20, 2016 1:56 am

To me, this feels like the start of a really good drama narrative novel. Lemme show you a an excerpt from my book (Chapter 2 - Gold Dust.)

I suppose the phrase, “All men are created equal” is true, but soon after is changed depending on a person’s choices throughout their life. Look at the world now -- the majority of the world’s wealth outside of Construct goes to the minority of the population. Poverty, war, disease, famine -- all the nasty shit you can think of. If all men were created equal, then they sure know how to make that statement false later on, and even then; some are born into their respective castes with no say and can never climb any higher. So, doesn’t that make them unequal from birth now? Are all men created equal? That’s a question that’s been lingering in my head for as long as I can remember.

Monday, December 23rd, 2019 - 12:29pm (Elrik)

   Gajeel asked me to take care of Cylon for the rest of the day while he goes and takes Amai out on a long deserved date night. I suppose I owe him as much as that favor. We’ve been best friends ever since we were kids back at the farms. It was the typical smart-one-reckless-one relationship. I was the reckless one. He’d always tell me to stop doing stupid shit, and I’d never listen. Broke a few bones when I didn’t too.

   We used to always joke who’d find a girl first, and lo and behold he got one way before me. I’m still single, and I hate it sometimes. We made a bet at one point, whoever got a girl first wins and loser has to pay for the first date. I was pale with fear on how much he would drain me, but he ended up calling the bet off. To this day I still don’t know why.


Just take this for example; it's very casual and relatable while remaining deep. You're doing a good job. You're just rough around the edges. Ask me whenever you want a grammar check and to proofread something, and I'll show you the mistakes and do it for ya'. If you ever need help on anything writing or roleplay related, feel free to ask.
avatar
Asgore Dreemurr
King of the Underground

Posts : 748
Join date : 2016-01-10

Back to top Go down

Re: Stone Wall (Short-Story)

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum